What do I really want?

What do I want?

What do I really, really want?

Do I want a, want a, want a, want, zigga-zigga uh?

No. That would be nonsensical and ridiculous; a post-modern maze best avoided. I know I don’t want that.

So what do I want?

I have wanted many things in this crisis-year, but mostly one thing. A place to belong. A safe place, a nurturing place, a place free from pressure, a place full of life, energy and respect. This has conflicted with another thing I wanted – the freedom to explore, to travel light as a feather, and the danger of adventure.

Conflicting things, which require a balance to attain. An impossible equation I nonetheless strive to solve.

Everything has pros and cons. Yes, even the direst material circumstances has some pros, even if there are much greater cons. And even the most privileged of all people have cons to their privileged life. Weighing up what we truly want means accepting pros and cons, and choosing the right option for us at the time. But in the desiring part of my soul, that desire is pure. It wants the best and it wants it all. In a sense, it is an overachiever and a dreamer!

Expectations are high. Nothing else will do.

What do I really want? How can I know when I have found it?

I am in the fortunate position to be semi-amorphous, so I can try things .

Advice: Don’t say you want to be somewhere until you have been there. Go there, go away. Do you want to go back? Listen to your gut feelings, let your inner-guide show you the way.

What do I want, if anything at all?

There is such a thing as self-delusion.

There is such a thing as rationalizing-away the real world.

There is such a thing as falsehood.

I find that the deep truth of what I want lurks in the shadow-realm of the subconscious. Symbols can take me into those stygian depths with disturbing regularlity – fascinations and fetishes beyond the ‘light’ of the conscious mind.

Often these symbols have been quite erotic and amourous in nature, but there is no love in my life and never has been.

It is all a mystery. Do not put too much faith in the study of the mind, nor the answers of the sages.

What you are is an enigma, and always will be. Necessarily – your consciousness has elements unique only to you, which can be experienced only through you. Even in moments of absolute subsumation and connection with another consciousness, you return to yours, and you experience the loss of ego through your own self. That self will dissipate only on the occasion of death.

The beauty of life is that it is beyond explanation (though art and poetry might come close to getting a feel for its sublimity).

So what you are, like what you want, lurks in this shifting realm of the delightfully unknowable. So best to choose something, and see how it works.

There is no perfect answer, so delight in the imperfection of being human as a human being.

 

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