Guilt – a major weapon in the abuser’s armoury

An abuser can use guilt as a means of control. Most people are concerned about things such as reputation, moral standing, good character. This is because most people are fundamentally decent. These are all good traits. However the more they try to be a moral person, the more culpable they can be to guilt. If someone self-reflective and sensitive is told they have done something wrong, they tend to take that criticism on. The feeling of having done wrong hits before rational thinking can consider what has happened. The good person can find themselves in a mire of guilt without knowing how they ended up there. This is why an abuser can use false accusations and false wounds as a means of power. They strike with the guilt card, the full extent of the blow is only revealed later.

Taking on a lot of guilt makes us limp, overly self-obsessed and prone to being harmed. Feeling guilty is not a sign of moral character or virtue. Guilt means one feels one has transgressed upon a rule. When that rule is something obscene (such as no sex before marriage or thou shalt not question thy abuser), then that guilt reinforces the obscenity. Guilt is a trap, set in the mind of the abused, trained to snare themselves. Soon they are tip-toeing around their own thoughts. Being able to challenge guilt, to hold it in your hand, turn it to and fro and consider it in the light of day, is essential to avoiding falling into this abuse trap.

Guilt can give people a sense of false duty. For instance, an abuser whining about the impact it would have upon him if he was “abandoned”, can put into the heart of the abused a sense of guilt. ‘If only I had stuck with it and changed him!’ This duty is the morality of an abuser, forced into the mind of the abused through manipulation of their good character.

Obscene rules and expectations are planted in the minds of good people as surely as the moon controls the tides. Being able to challenge these rules and expectations we can see how we are being manipulated. Feeling no guilt for upsetting abusive people and their obscene, violent power-hierarchies, we can move away from them easier. That may mean moving into a void – obscene rules for all their evil are still familiar. This is a leap of faith that is most necessary; a journey down an unknown path that leads to liberty. We have to trust that the void, if it is there, will be filled.

If you want to feel guilty about something, try starting with guilt for letting yourself down first. Then abandon that guilt, because little productive is done in it’s name.

We should love ourselves and other worthy people not from a fear of guilt, but as a good in itself. This is a much healthier love, a positive love.

Defy those guilt-inducing rules inside you. Despoil those temples of patriarchy and hierarchy and evil. The truly sacred then awaits you.

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The price of being sensate

So the price of being sensate to the world, and expecting to be treated with love and respect, is often to absorb a lot of pain and be easily hurt by others. The higher your entitlement to basic dignity and respect, the more easily it can be tarnished. 
 
Not that anything can change in me at least, but it is a heavy price, which needs a lot of consolation and connection to maintain. It is a heavy price I must constantly re-evaluate every time pain is absorbed into my very being.
 
Where are these safe havens we can go to, where we can be ourselves in all of our vulnerability and as our true selves? Where are these doorways out of the capitalist world, where you need only wear a mask if you choose to?
 
Isn’t it time to melt the charade of individualist non-life and form one, great community?
 

Pain and self-growth

At first I was afraid of the pain. It makes sense. Caution is wise when something new is upon you. And patience too. To be unsure, to wait it out, to dip a toe in the black pool and have a safe space to recoil. All of these are wise decisions.

Yet the day will come when the passage of time has done all of the healing it can. Time alone does not heal all wounds, and anyone who tells you it does is a fool. Once you have something of a stable foundation again, the days and days waiting for inner-pain to go away become wasted opportunities to get back onto your feet. You cannot know when you are ready to go back out (though your body will give you indicators, or guesses). So you will just have to try it for yourself, to trust your defences and trust that you can take what comes and have the self-love and inner-strength to make it. Do not go it if you are not ready, but do not stagnate it you are.

Wait and you will wait forever.

The world is full of suffering. There is no denying it, and anyone sensitive to it will feel it. Pain is unavoidable and inevitable. Thus, one way or another, the time will come when you will fall into a spiral of pain which dominates your consciousness. It is not a ‘mental’ thing – it will permeate all aspects of your body and mind. It will come when it comes, and you will not be able to just will it away.

I would rather face those days of reckoning as one who is trained to face my fears, then one who hides behind shields of repression, or naive hope in the passing of days. And so I did.

When the pain came and took over my body I could not turn it away, and why should it leave on my account? Does it not have an equal right to express itself through the human corpus? Is it not also a part of me? When the pain came and took over my body I stopped resisting it and accepted its presence. I went deeper into it, explored it, and this hurried its course toward resolution.

The black pool is there, waiting for you. Ignore it and you will see it in dark dreams. Dive into it and you will come to know it wholly.

It will return again, the pain is recurring. There is no end point of healing and no end point of anything. But when the inevitable returns again, you can become more and more adept at dealing with it. I have no ultimate choice in what I feel and when I feel – I do not think anyone has that much freedom. But when the storm comes I will ride through to its eye, through to the other side.

Face things, do not let them linger. Confront and challenge things; at your own pace, but swiftly enough to not lose your social life, hope and ambition to them. Human beings evolved on the plains to hunt in packs. They did not evolve in arm chairs and in front of laptop screens to wait and rot.

You were born to hunt, to be an element in nature, so go and hunt. Only, this hunt is not for some animal, it is a quest into yourself for truth, for what truly happened, and the path to changing yourself. I have changed so much since the pain came and I learnt to hunt so much for the better.

When something inside screams, listen. The longer you leave it, the worse your demons will grow…

What I am (to you)

An old vinyl full of sublime sound, never put on

An oil painting from the renaissance, gathering dust in the cellar

A cerulean, sun-soaked sky behind heavy, drawn curtains

A beautiful wandering cat, seeking love from strangers

The words of power that unmake spells of hate, never uttered

A drawer full of field beans, never planted in the garden

A book of depth and colour, you refuse to read

 

You do not need to say the sun is gold and resplendent

For the sun to be gold and resplendent

And if you say the sun is bleak, squat, grey and ugly

That does not make the sun bleak, squat, grey and ugly

 

This is why your words have no power; they speak untruth.

The magick of words is their ability to say what is

For magick is power, and magick is just truth, thus truth is power

 

A proud otter swimming through a running river, whose strength you cannot comprehend